New York Trilogy

I just finished reading Paul Auster's "Ghosts", the second part of his New York Trilogy. I can only liken it to Vonegut, without the dark humor. Vonegut's world view is that of a black comedy, while Auster's seem more in line with a black hole. Ghosts is a short story about a detective hired to watch over another man for an undetermined amount of time. No clues are given as to why he should be watching this man, he must merely keep him under surveillance until further notified. He must write a weekly report and he receives a weekly check for his services. The days turn to weeks, and the weeks to months and still nothing happens. The man he is observing seems normal enough if not quite lonely. In the end, to me, the story ends up being a microcosm of our everyday lives consisting of mundane activities, trying to earn a paycheck, and in the end trying to figure out what the story is all about. Our lives, such as this short story, only means what we want it to. The only story line there is is the one we create, and the end... well we already know how it ends. Life is absurd, and there's really no way around it. It is what it is, shit happens, go with the flow... however you want to say it, life is absurd. You already know it... and the irony... none of seem to be able to stop looking for the meaning of it all. Absurd.

New Challenges

The possibility of stepping into a higher plane is quite real for
everyone. It requires no force or effort or sacrifice. It involves little
more than changing our ideas about what is normal.

-Deepak Chopra

I thought this quote was rather appropriate considering the ideas rattling around in my head as of late. I'm still trying to come up with a challenge for this year and in doing so I think I already found one for next year. There is a series of events in IL called the Grand Slam, which consists of 4 ultramarathons throughout the year. To qualify for the Grand slam standing you must finish each race in the allotted amount of time. These races will range from 30 miles to 50 miles and are all trail oriented. People most often ask 'why would you want to run that far' when first hearing about ultramarathons. I don't yet know the answer to that question... often the response is 'because it feels so damn good when you're done.' But for me it's about attempting to push my personal limits of what I can accomplish.

In ultra running it has been said that it's 90% mental and the other 10% is mental. It's about reconstructing your ideas about what is possible and what isn't. Just last night I was watching a movie called "Running the Sahara" in which 3 guys attempt to run the entire distance of the Sahara Desert. A distance of over 175 marathons, running every day with no rest days. They were averaging 40-50 miles per day in 140degree ground temperature heat. Almost everyone doubted their ability to do it, including the three runners at times. But the ultimate goal for them wasn't to run across a desert, it was to challenge the notion of what was humanly possible. It was to experience a level of suffering such that it would lead to a new outlook on life. It was more about surviving ones own doubt as opposed to surviving the brutal conditions around them.

So my goal for next year is the Grand Slam of Illinois trail running. But for me it's going to be about much more than running. It will be a will to power, a journey into suffering, and an exploration of previously unattainable goals and world views. I have found that great struggles give a greater appreciation for those precious people around us and a sense of connectivity to everything that surrounds us. And that is what I'm striving for.

Things to come...

The future often seems unsettling to me and I can't help but think that our current ways of life contribute almost wholly to that. What has spurred our excessive procreation, our need for mass produced items, and our unwillingness to compromise? Since when did we need bigger, better, more, faster? Our greed for more has led to an inevitable road where many will be lead toward a future of less rather than more. Less jobs, less food, less money, less possessions, less house, less car, less... To think this isn't a product of our own doing is to the point of ridiculous. We are a society that wants more for less, which leads to a number of problems. First off we buy cheaper products, products that don't last as long and end up in the trash, so that we have to buy more and use more resources. Second, we want to pay less, which means we have to pay workers less to produce these cheap items. We Americans don't want less... so we give up our jobs and factories to overseas countries that pay less. And even though we know these cheap products are costing our neighbors their jobs... we buy them... because we want, neigh, need them. Our economy, our health system, our food system, our water system, is all falling apart around us... but we don't care, not yet. We won't care until it affects us personally, and by us I mean the middle class, the majority, the heart and soul of the country that we love so much, but seem to be trying to destroy. And by the time we care... well you can see why the future is unsettling.

State of affairs

What is going on in the world of democracy? Nothing. What is going on in the world of politics? Everything. This is no longer a time when the voice of the people is to be heard, but is to be screamed over top of so as not to be heard. It's where fear, irrationality, and ignorance take up talking points against progress. It's reminiscent of propaganda from days past where fear rules and information is thrown to the wayside. Both sides are corrupted by the ever mighty dollar and a promise of continued power in the future. This country was founded upon one thing (no not religion, and no not greed of money). It was founded upon the principle of giving people the power to change the status-quo for the benefit of the society as a whole. Those rights are being sucked away by the bribes and donations of monstrous corporations and industries to easily swayed politicians, apparently the people who voted for them don't pay nearly as well.

So here's the dilemma, does the government get involved and try to make options to best help the people? Why don't those informed public souls step forward, make their voices heard so the rest of us can make informed decisions? Because they are being shouted down, demonized, and slandered while trying to do so. These public meetings that are taking place are not places where reason presides, but where hate prevails. People who show up to debates with pictures of the lecturer with devil horns are not there to become informed. They are there to disrupt. They feed on emotion, not information. They are quick to stand up and say no, but unwilling to sit down and listen. They use propaganda and scripts to cut down ideas, of which they have none of their own. They side with corporate tyranny over government decency.

And what information do they provide us? DENY DENY DENY To the very end deny, than you can't possibly be wrong. Obama is American... DENY Public option is good for the American health and bottom dollar... DENY Oh, they did give us that fake Australian birth certificate of Obama's... thanks for that. And what else do we get besides lies, denials, and an unwillingness to debate? We get nothing done, which is apparently the end goal of the grand old party. Status quo, because improvement is not a word we like to hear.

Recent thoughts

There are many arguments to be made... against those great dangers that are harmful to my delicate sensibilities. I am in a full swing assault on religion as a whole and am immersing myself in current texts to fill my arsenal. I have recently come to realize my evolution from semi-agnostic to full on atheism. Allowing for the freedom of moderate and liberal believers of any faith keeps the door open for the fanatics to practice their corrupt and downright harmful dogmas. It's easy to fight against extremism, but what of the moderates? You only need look at the current state of our union to know that the majority remains unwaveringly religious. Stem cell research, abortion, abstinence, gay marriage... these are all hot topics of our time and topics that the religious right is currently dominating and causing much suffering along the way. What good comes of denying a same sex couple the right to marriage? What good comes from denying science the ability to help alleviate suffering from disease and injury by making stem cell research illegal?

Are you prepared to tell me how a young girl dying of a potentially curable ailment is less significant than a 3 day old blastocyte? Will the religious right help me explain to a 16 year old girl that her life as she knows it is over because abstinence that was taught in school didn't teach her how to use a condom? Will you help me explain to those people suffering from environmental ailments that clean air and clean water don't matter because your Lord and Savior should be showing up anytime in the next 50 years to take care of everything? Let me ask you this... what problems do religious faith actually solve? The only potential one is to give the believer a false sense of hope that somehow they will live in bliss when they leave this world.. Not exactly relevant to the suffering currently going on in the world, and downright selfish when it comes down to it. Besides truly needing something to believe in that is out of this world, people turn to religious faith to feel like their lives have meaning, mission, or purpose. It's the oldest answer to an even older question. "What happens when you die... I go to Heaven... then why don't you just kill yourself?... because God has a plan for me... and how do you know his plan isn't for you to kill yourself?" You need a purpose in your life... you want a mission to go on... here you go! Make this world, the one you're living in right now as morally happy a place as you can. Don't know what moral happiness is?... coming right up...

Happiness

I quote John Galt... "Happiness is a state of non-contradictory joy - a joy without penalty of guilt, a joy that does not clash with any of your values and does not work for your own destruction..." This is my definition of a moral happiness. It means that whims are thrown out the door, this is not a motto of "do whatever makes you happy" for in that case you may be into murdering, plundering, raping, drugs etc. as your means to happiness. It it worth noting here that "human good does not require human sacrifices and cannot be achieved by the sacrifice of anyone to anyone." The values a rational person upholds are reason, purpose, and self-esteem and the virtues used to maintain these are rationality, productiveness and pride. We must learn to value ourselves before we can value anyone or anything else, this is because the achievement of our own happiness is our highest moral purpose.

An obvious altruistic response to these statements goes something like... "but selfishness will only lead to evil and mindless whims!" In reality selfishness merely means 'concern with ones own interests'. The evil connotation attached to it has been produced by those whose moral agenda requires human sacrifice to achieve greater good. What this idea of happiness suggests is to not make sacrifices, and a sacrifice is merely giving up something greater for something lesser, not the way we probably typically think of sacrifice. This does not imply that there will be no giving, for instance I would not normally give up a 5 dollar bill for a 1 dollar bill as it does not make any sense to do so, however, if someone asked for 5 dollars to buy dinner for himself and I valued this man's health more than that 5 dollars than it would not be considered a sacrifice. A father willing to risk his life to save his daughter would not be a sacrifice if he valued her life more than his own. On the news they would surely say that he sacrificed himself, but that would merely be a slap in the face as he was really only fulfilling his own moral purpose.

So what does this mean when it comes to religion? It means that we look to ourselves for our own moral code, a rational code that cannot contradict anyone else who holds the same rational code, for rational men do not hold contradictory values. It means that we do not look to a 2000 year old story or the eye in the sky for direction on how to treat our fellow humans. This moral code allows for change and flux in the world such as science and environment and doesn't insist that people be stoned for things such as heresy or adultery or not being a virgin on your wedding night (all things the bible calls for). It means that we can once again value ourselves fully and that we are given a purpose "the achievement of his own happiness is man's highest moral purpose." This indeed sounds nothing like a Christian view of "purpose" but it will be this life that will be lived to the fullest and in doing so we shall make others lives better as well. I end with Galt again, "You have been using fear as your weapon and have been bringing death to man as his punishment for rejecting your morality. We offer him life as his reward for accepting ours."

You sit down to write, to write what's right, what's in your head... and you come up empty handed. So is there nothing up there, empty, barren... or is there so much up there you can't concentrate long enough to pick one out. I think it's this nihilistic attitude that creeps up on me, you open your eyes long enough and it's hard not to let it take you over. So many people doing some many bad things to so many innocent beings. We are truly the one creature on the planet that can destroy everything and the only thing that stops us is ourselves... but how long will the discipline last?

Monday workout back squats 5x3 reps... 115, 125, 135,135, 145

Friday - Rest day - 2 miles TT 14:08
Saturday - Really... I actually rested this day, inverted burpees just didn't seem right
Sunday - Annie... 1/2... 50 jumping pullups, 50 pushups, 50 situps, 50 squats - 10:00min

Seeing results already, but am going to have to watch for overtraining and lasting soreness

Saturday workout - crossfit total - Deadlift 235, Squat 165, Press 95

Monday workout - 1.5 rounds of 500m row, 21 burpees, 400m run

Tuesday workout - 3 rounds of 115 deadlift 12 reps, 65lb hang cleans 9 reps, 65lb push press 6 reps

Only three days in and already feeling much better, should be easy to keep this going.

http://www.dailykostv.com/w/001137/

back at it

Starting to get back in the swing of things again, slowly but surely. Tonight's WOD was 4x 800m repeats but I ended up only doing 3x. Consistent times though with 3:15 each round, not bad for my first time out. I'll be doing alot of the Crossfit Endurance workouts supplemented with the main site WOD's being worked in when possible. My goal is to really nail down a decent 5k time by summer time and would really like to break 20 min by mid summer. Later in the summer I'll start working in my long runs to build up some distance and prepare for the marathon in sept. I'm still really wanting to do an ultra but I just don't think I'm ready yet. I'll do my best to stick with the training this summer and see what happens in the fall.

slacking and thoughts...

Ok ok so I've been slacking on the writing which usually means there's so much going on inside the head that there's a traffic jam when it comes to speaking or writing. Everything wants to come out at once and thus nothing comes out. This past week has been a little rough starting out with a little self induced illness the beginning of the week, followed up by some not so induced sickness later in the week. Workouts obviously have suffered because of said sickness. Shannan and I, however, did make it outside for a run yesterday... only the second since the birthday challenge. Nothing too strenuous and my endurance seemed as good as ever, but it's going to take some getting back into the saddle as far as muscle memory goes. Oh and my knee hates me still... but I think that should settle down as I ease back into things.

So last Saturday night turned into a shit show and I payed dearly for it. I was consequently scolded by everyone in sight for being so stupid... and rightly so given my IBD situation, but of course something about the situation irritated me. I find it ironic how people suffering from long term self induced health problems can tell me that I should take better care of myself based on one night of too much fun but preceded by and followed by a fairly serious routine of diet and exercise. I'm not saying they're wrong... they're not... just a little hypocritical. It's like the parent who smokes telling his/her son or daughter smoking is bad for you and not to do it. They are absolutely right... but you can't help noticing the irony. That's my beef.

This Friday night Shannan and I went to see the new Leo and Kate movie "Revolutionary Road". Great movie. It was thoroughly engaging with life lessons out the ass... not to mention the movie was set in the 50's but is as relevant today as ever. In some ways I felt as though the movie was made just for me, putting my thoughts into a plot with great actors playing out my ideas. The plot centers around a young married couple trying to escape the mundane everydayness of life in pristine suburbia and in doing so forgetting that what they need to make themselves happy is something they already have. It touches on the idea that many have of getting as far away as possible to find themselves as well as the idea of feeling trapped in a current living situation that is not conducive to expressing the true nature of their self. Actually, now that I think about it, this is such a great movie because it can mean so many different things to so many different people.. and thus fits my definition of great art.

On a side note, I think I'll start working on a book... of some sort...on some subject, more on that later. Enjoy your Sunday as most Americans sit around getting fatter while watching a sport that requires true athleticism, strength, and speed. Oh, and don't forget to watch the fucking commercials.

just too good...

So Steve Edwards had this up on his blog and I couldn't help but steal it, especially since my previous post has to do with exercise and depression. Oh, and if you can't get your head around Bill Mahr... try thinking harder. Enjoy

New Year New You

My wife already beat me to the punch on the whole New Year's deal but on with the show. My main goal for this year will be to stick to a strict Crossfit workout routine. Should seem simple enough, just do the WOD's when they're scheduled and rest on the days that rest is scheduled. It's not always fun, it's never easy, and more often than not it makes me feel like puking. But it gets results and I'm not just talking physical. My mental and emotional states go through varying degrees of meltdown throughout the course of a year. This is a biological process that no doubt has something to do with a chemical imbalance. Drugs are not my cup of tea, but doing nothing isn't exactly a solution either. However, when I'm working out consistently I eat better, feel better, look better, sleep better and think clearer. This isn't a cure all either, but it keeps me from falling into the rut that I so dreadfully hate. For most, exercise resolutions are a means to lose weight that will probably be gained back come then next holiday season... these resolutions cannot just be about body image (of course who doesn't want to look good naked), they must be about overall well being. Exercise is contagious inasmuch as it affects so many facets of your own life. So this is my resolution... which in turn will lead to several goals for the year, and that is soon to come.