Brother in arms

2-9-07

Brother in arms

I guess I've always wanted a brother. What guy doesn't? Someone who always has your back, someone to get into trouble with, someone to keep you tough. For those of us born without, we search for one in terms of friends, brothers from different mothers. I once was fooled into believing I had one, but it turns out they won't stand up for you, they won't fight along side you, and they won't tell you straight up. That's when you know they're phony. I don't have a brother, I only have myself. It can lead to one logical conclusion, creation.

He's been with me for a long while now. He's even allowed to express himself occasionally, but mostly he's a shut-in. Sometimes I view him as a burden, a waste of energy. Other times I think of him as a weapon I should keep honed in case of an emergency. That's why I have this lust for rightful revenge - my fantasy. Use only for right, for justice - part of my ethics I guess. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle, some repress completely and others let it take over and become unjust. But mine lurks beneath the surface, waiting, sometimes patiently, sometimes not. There will be a day when he is ripped from my side, my brother in arms, and we will stand as one- be seen as one. To some it may come as a surprise, but to me... it's been a long time coming. My facade has been groomed by those that surround me - those scared of confrontation, those who do anything to avoid it. Yet at my core I can't help but feel that I am drawn to it. My whole life has been one of trying to break out of a shell; to let who I am be revealed. But these masks that I am asked to wear, to cover up what I really feel, to shush what I really want to say, to restrain my hands from destruction, can only be worn so long. I am a cell of combustible energy waiting to be punctured. Something has to give. I thought I had a brother, and it turns out that I do, we are merely one being. And he is pissed that I have not confided in him - and he is understood.

Failure

From 7-13-05
Failure... I used to feel as though it was my deepest fear. Everyone's always pushing to not fail, to not be bad... but where's the push to be great? Where's the push to be everything you can? It's not a question of being better than someone, it's a question of what you have left to give and how much more you have in you. I now look at failure in a different manner. Every failure is a chance to learn, with the chance of every failure comes a chance of success - and let us not forget that without failure, success would not be such a sweet victory. In climbing failure has an obvious manifestation. There is a wall... climb it... falling is failure, but without the presence of failure, ascending is no longer a feat - is no longer anything, merely a sure thing. Sure things do not test us, do not challenge us, do not make us challenge ourselves, and do not make us uncomfortable. Sure success is not a learning process... to me, it is failure.

addiction

I find myself highly addicted to documentaries... of all kinds. I've seen documentaries on skiing, surfing, climbing, running, on the auto industry, on the corruption in the voting system of the U.S., and on the military industrial complex. It's the combination of first person narratives, compelling music, and often unbelievable feats that draw me in time after time. Tonight I was again watching a skiing documentary called "Steep" and it (along with many others) puts me in a very specific mood. These movies call into question not just what you've done in your life, but more importantly what your possibilities are. When the doors of your mind are left wide open, the possibilities that await you on the other side are endless. Especially in extreme sport movies there is always an underlying tone of life vs. death and how close to death one will walk in order to feel the most lively. I will say save a select few times, the most alive I've felt was in times of extreme danger. In times when all your energy and focus is on not dying, that's when you're truly living, when you're combining all your skills, strengths, and primal urges to live just to stay afloat. We often, all too often, lose these sensations in our comfortable daily lives and I think it's important to get them back, even if occasionally to renew our wonder for life. We all too often catch ourselves telling people that life could be much worse, and it could, but it can also be much better, simply by changing perspective and truly appreciating what we have... a chance to truly live.

flux capacitor

In a current world full of concrete and stalemates, I would like to believe everything remains in a current state of flux. A fluid motion that surrounds us all and indeed is at the heart of our souls. But in this theoretic liquid world we seem to always want to define things, and the reason would sensibly stem from one tiny word... how. Not how as in "hello from native america" but how as in "how did everything get so fucked up?". They say curiosity killed the cat, but that cat merely ran out of time, just as the rest of us someday will... and with that in mind 'why the how?'. How do I know, how did you do that, how do I get out of here? We have a need in our daily lives to live by defined laws and rules, to get used to a structure, to keep ourselves corralled in a certain sector. But the definitions we live by are fluid, they are ever changing as we see fit. Even the simplest of definitions, those of words, are continually changing. So we tell ourselves that there must be universals, there must be absolutes, there must be more concrete poured as a footpath to understanding of this we call living. But no such concrete exists for even concrete is easily made fluid by the smallest drops of water. What seems most relevant is that we live for today, and tomorrow we will live for today again, over and over until the last grain has fallen from our time, because if you live for tomorrow or yesterday all you will be left with is a how... 'how did I fuck that up so bad?' and then you're dead.

thought of the day

So I was driving down the road this morning when I passed a smashed skunk on the side of the road and wondered to myself 'do skunks think they smell bad?'. Then it got me thinking about those people who aren't what you'd call attractive but think they're the hottest thing since Brad Pitt was caught slicing bread. But then I started thinking about Descartes and his philosophy of 'cogito ergo sum' or 'I think therefore I am' and so now I'm wondering, if I think I am the hottest person alive than I AM the hottest person alive. But then I counter myself with the fact that thinking I am the hottest person alive only proves that I am alive and therefore I remain blissfully unaware that I should not be wearing that spaghetti strap top that shows off my enormous obliques (love handles) still thinking that I am the hottest person alive though actually only proving that I am merely alive. THEN I thought, that skunk really stinks.

state of affairs

This car has alot to say about our current state of affairs in the United States. We are in a recession, depression, slump... whatever you want to call it and "bailout" is our new favorite word. It's funny, that word "bailout", my Grandpa used to say it all the time. He picked it up in WWII flying in B-17's... it's what you did right before your whole fucking plane went down in flames. It was about saving yourself... not the system you were apart of. Ok, so big businesses are getting bailout packages, and for this moment I don't care how or why, what I do care about is how they got into the position to need such packages.

Enter the Chevy Volt. Here is a little tidbit from GM's website about the volt.

"Seventy-eight percent of commuters drive 40 miles or less to and from work.* If we could change the technology behind these daily drives, imagine how much gasoline and money we could save while helping reduce emissions. It might be possible with a vehicle capable of running on electricity, E85, and gasoline fuels — in other words, a vehicle powered by GM's innovative E-Flex Propulsion System, like the Concept Chevy Volt."

Imagine a car that could go 40 miles per charge and could be refueled by plugging it into an outlet when you got home at night. Zero emissions, NO GAS, low maintenance, and a car that could drive using sustainable energy such as solar and wind. WOW!!! How come nobody thought about this before?? Oh, actually somebody did... it was GM...over 12 years ago!


Enter the GM EV1. This is from Wikipedia "Introduced in 1996, The EV1 electric cars were available in California and Arizona as a lease only, as well as through a Southern Company employee lease program in Georgia, and could be serviced at designated Saturn retailers. They were discontinued after 1999 and subsequently removed from the roads in 2003 by General Motors (except for a few). The car's discontinuation was and remains a controversial topic."

So what does any of this have to do with a recession and bailout packages? Well now the Big 3 automakers are in trouble... anyone want to guess why? Because they are behind the times, of their own volition. Honda and Toyota just keep chugging along because they change, they expand, they're inovative. GM had that chance, the chance to be the first in what would have been a HUGE market and they turned their backs on it. Why? Well there are all kinds of arguments. To get a better understanding of them may I recommend the movie "Who Killed the Electric Car?". The point is that these large companies have important decisions to make everyday, and some days those decisions may determine the future of the company. And if by chance (more like certainty) they happen to make the wrong decision, why is that we the public, we the taxpayers, we the working class have to suffer for it? But more importantly... WHY THE FUCK SHOULD WE BAIL THEM OUT?!!

Thought of the day...

We all sorely complain of the shortness of time, and yet have
much more than we know what to do with. Our lives are either spent in
doing nothing at all, or in doing nothing to the purpose, or in doing
nothing that we ought to do. We are always complaining that our days are
few, and acting as though there would be no end of them.

Seneca
(BC 3-65 AD, Roman Philosopher, Dramatist, Statesman)

Governor's Cross Country

Not only has mountain biking grabbed my attention but I may now officially be a trail running addict. Today I went with a group to do the Governor's Cross Country race held at Scott County Park. I went with the anticpation of a moderate trail run and ended up getting the race of the season. To call this a run is almost a slap in the face... it's more like a battle that happens to be a total blast. The race comes in an easy to swallow 2 mile version and a larger more wieldly 4 mile version. I of course chose the 4... funny thing is it's actually a little over 5.5. miles. To break it down there was mud, lots of water crossings (in excess of 20), wading in streams up to your chest, rope swings, plenty of trees to jump, hay bails to climb over, trails to navigate, and thorns to get pissed at. It was definately the most fun I've had running all year and also the hardest race I've done to date. It has given me a taste for what will come in some of my upcoming adventures and I can't hardly wait until the next one. This will surely become a yearly thing and I hope to drag several people along for the ride next year.

top pic - general idea of the run
bottom pic is me after the battle

This week...

This week I have become officially addicted to mountain biking. I always thought I might like it, but clearly there are no mountains around here. That, however, does not mean that there are not some amazing trails to ride on. Sunderbruch Park in Davenport will become my new home away from home whenever time and weather allow. Not only is it a great workout, it's mentally challenging and requires 100% concentration. I'll try to stay out of the biking politics as that seems to be a big issue with some... I just want to ride! I also went on my first trail run of the year, which will become a regular goal for my long days. To celebrate I ordered a new pair of Salomon GTX trail shoes. Hopefully I love them and they love me back. Training will be kicking into high gear as the clock is now ticking on the upcoming challenge. In social news we went out last night for Halloween, Shan and Amber won first prize as thing 1 and thing 2, while me and Brandon took second as a pair of Hellbilly's. In short I got schnockered and wound up with a respectable hangover for work this morning. Tonight is another Third Rail night but I will be taking the easy road of DD. Does this blog sound like a Doogie Howser entry yet?

Birthday Challenge

They don't call it birthday easy so here's how the day's going down on December 19th...it's a friday so mark your calenders!
-27 mile run
-27 mile bike
-listen to 27 kiss songs (for Ken)
-270 pushups
-27 hangboard pullups
-drink 1 small bottle of Paddy (from Amber, hopefully she gives it to me)
-have 27 plus friends at the post party at Woo Dogs in Orion


This must be done within a 24 hour period to be a complete success. This year the challenge is dedicated to my late Uncle Ken Patch who never saw his 27th birthday. He was one to always live life to it's full potential and should be a reminder to the rest of us to do the same. The run will be last on the agenda probably starting around 1-2 in the afternoon. I am looking for participants especially for the run part, whether you can run 1 mile or 5 my goal is to have at least one person with me at all times. Party will start around 7pm and last till I pass out from alcohol or exhaustion. Good times to be had by all.

Purpose

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

"me and kyson love running!"

Thought of the day

It is when we are no longer allowed to be silent that we have truly lost our freedom.

Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of knowing you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming. -John Wooden(1910-, American Basketball Coach)



There are two ways (of many I'm sure) to look at the idea of giving your best. The above quote is a great summation of what arete is all about, becoming the best that you are capable of becoming. It's about doing all that you can whenever you can. The other way is that of Sean Connery in the rock... "Losers always whine about giving their best, winners go home and fuck the prom queen." In a certain way both ways are right on. Too often today we transpose "best" and "try". You'll hear it all the time, especially in amateur sports "don't worry about it, you gave it your best", which really means "you merely tried asshole and now we're going to lose because you couldn't stand up and show what you're made of." But it's easy to see, it's rarely difficult to tell the difference between trying and giving your best. This has a great deal to do with quality and our ability to recognize it but our inability to define it. We will all agree that such a thing as quality exists, however, once we begin defining it, all we are doing is defining certain characteristics, not quality itself. The same goes for arete, you can't really nail it down to a definition because the true definition is different for every person... it's about reaching full potential but that summit is different for each individual. So my advice is this, do your best, succeed in fulfilling your true potential and through this you will have succeeded in life. And no matter win or lose, if you do the above, I say go home and fuck the prom queen anyways.

top pic: me and kyson after our 6 miles this morning

middle: kyson getting his flea bath

bottom: our little lap dog

"Every failure made me more confident. Because I wanted even more to achieve things, as revenge. To show that I could." -Roman Polanski(1933-, Film director)

Often life seems to be about one thing, proving oneself. It doesn't really matter why or to whom, the point is that we feel the need. We feel the need to prove to ourselves, to our parents, to the ones we love and the ones we hate. We especially feel the need to prove ourselves to those cynical many amongst us, those of the cannot mentality. It is especially difficult to convince that overly cynical person when that person is none other than yourself. We must first convince ourselves we can achieve what we can dream. Realizing our capabilities is one of the most powerful things we can accomplish.

this blog is not working very well and in fact is never going to post just the way i want it to and i'll have to pull all my hair out trying to figure out how it works.............................................................................................................. scgfdgafg adf adsf dsffffffffffffffffffff

Right is right, even if everyone is against it; and
wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it.

Is it difficult to find happiness within yourself
and it is impossible to find it anywhere else.

Two very different quotes that upon first inspection
seem harmless enough, but upon further reading convey
some serious problems. What is right? Do we always
know? And more importantly is it always constant?
What is happiness? Certainly it cannot be a
constant since it must be different for all right?
And how do you find something that is already in you?

inspiration

You don't have to be a fantastic hero to do certain things -- to compete. You can be just an ordinary chap, sufficiently motivated to reach challenging goals.

-Sir Edmund Hillary



There may very well be two kinds of people in this world, those inspired by acts of greatness and those whom are only capable of disbelief. Many of us lack the confidence in ourselves to believe that we can do something extraordinary, something inspiring, but we can adjust our confidence levels through our perception of what others are capable of. Even still we will often remain cynical, just because Ed Viesturs can climb to the top of all the highest mountains doesn't mean that I can climb a mountain, period, after all he's an elite athlete!However, when we learn that Joe Blow from South Dakota scaled Everest with one prosthetic leg, well then we reevaluate our perceptions of what it possible. If he can do it than maybe I can too. But inspiration doesn't have to carry over to the same sport or actions from which it came. Somebody running 100 miles in a day is inspiring but all it needs to do is make you realize that there are undone things in your own life that can be completed with the same level of commitment and determination. Maybe you just want to work out 3 days a week, or have the strength to leave a job you hate, or mend a friendship that is broken. The point is acts of greatness don't have to come from great people, in fact in most cases the most inspiring stories come from the average Joe. It's up to us to decide what we do with these stories. Do we maintain our belief that everyone but us is capable or do we dare to push our own limits into an unknown frontier? After all, only those who risk going to far can possibly find out how far one can go.

Top pic is Shannan crossing an avalanche shoot below Chasm Lake, CO

Pain

PAIN! It's a constant in life in-so-far-as where there is life there will be pain. Most of us have been taught to avoid pain whenever possible... why put yourself through more than you have to? Maybe so you can be prepared for more than you'll want to. There are those of us though that seek out pain in one form or another. If we can rise to the challenges we set for ourselves on a daily basis, then the daily trifles that we often encounter don't seem to be such a pain. For instance a rude customer at work is nothing compared to the 10 mile hill workout you did earlier that day or the killer leg workout you completed last week. Your boss can be a pain in the ass but not nearly as bad as the crossfit WOD that made you throw-up yesterday. Others think of their pain as a great reward. From the birthday challenge website... "With no pain, there is no struggle, no struggle, no rewards, and if no rewards, then why bother living at all?" Challenges will often bring about pain and through this we can do one of two things... give up or keep going. And that's what life boils down to... never does an inspiring story involve someone giving up. Pain is what reminds us that we are still alive, it is what connects us as a society, and it is pain that can remind us that pushing our own limits shouldn't be a comfortable walk in the park.

can't

CANNOT. It's a simple word and one we use continually on a daily basis... but it has come to encompass more than what it's simple meaning implies. We use it as a synonym for won't, shouldn't, and don't want to. Of course this word rears its ugly head in the face of adversity and challenging situations. I CAN'T run a marathon, I CAN'T do a push up, I CAN'T stop smoking. We as a people are more capable than anyone gives us credit for, including ourselves. From childhood we are continually told no and can't and don't. We are rarely told yes, go ahead and try it, give it a shot, and why not. Many of these cases may seem insignificant, but after years of repetition we begin to believe what we hear and soon we are not capable of much. Only those who risk going too far will find out how far one can possibly go. These are the people we call daredevils, risk takers, and in many cases idiots. 'Why would anyone want to do such a thing' is a phrase these types hear often enough. And this is what it boils down to, most don't seek to do things others can't do, but rather do those things that others won't do. We as a people are capable of great things, but we hold ourselves back and place restrictions on our own actions. The greatest feeling received from going through these challenging actions... ambition. Many marathon books will say your greatest achievement is not that you finished but that you had the courage to start... and this speaks to the point of the matter. If you are unable to find in yourself the ambition to start than the only logical outcome is that you CAN'T... no matter what the challenge may be. So lets pat ourselves on the back and recognize that we CAN... then go out and do it.

weekend

Well this weekend was a rather busy one with plenty of fun, sweat, and blood. Thursday was softball night where we finally won our first game of the season... thank you jesus!! I was promoted (demoted) to third base where all the action was and the field kinda ate up my elbow. The girls played awesome that night and it was great to see people succeeding and having a good time. Friday was a cookout at mama Cindy's and of course things got a little out of hand. Me and Kyson went out a little early and did some lumberjacking before the party got started. Amber and Brandon where also at the party and Brandon got to meet the whole family and I think he had quite the experience. As usual drinking led to some more drinking which led to religion and eventually politics, which led to a catastro-fuck. However, I did get to drive a motorcycle for the first time and now I've officially got the bug (it's quite likely all elders will disown me if in fact a motorcycle ever falls into my posession.

This morning we had THE QC 1/2 marathon which went fantastic. I was shooting for a 2:10 finish and came in with an official time of 2:02:02. Shannan finished shortly after me with a 2:17 and beat her goal time of 2:20. The course was amazing and it was really something else to be able to run in areas where you've only previously been in a car. Running across I-74 in the morning fog felt like running through a painting or even an Ansel Adams photo where the mountains have been replaced by a giant green suspension bidge. The whole experience was very calming and the time just flew by. Now after completing the 13.1 I'm looking forward to the 27 mile birthday challenge run. With each increase in mileage comes a new goal and a new challenge. There are no more worries about what can't be done or what won't be accomplished, only the limitation of what my mind can conceive as the next challenge.

Helping others

I love to help people out when I can, especially when it's some type of existential life crisis that they're having, but in all fairness you can't help a person out of such a situation, you can only offer them guidance. As with many thing in life you must make the choice for yourself, no matter how much help is being thrown your way. Others can only show you the door, you are the one who has to walk through it... and sometimes there's not much comfort in that. Sometimes we already see the door, that god damn door that just keeps staring us in the face, the one that we'd rather just kick in than walk through... but there is comfort in knowing that other people are aware of the door as well. That your own situation is not all that unique from many others and in fact our lives are not all that unique from many others. The difference is in the details, not in the plot. We all experience degrees of happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, love, hate, elation, and disappointment. Why we experience them or from what they stem obviously differs, but the feelings themselves are what connect us. Feelings are what we have in common with everyone. I guess what I'm getting at is next time you're in the situation to help someone, don't get caught up in the details of the situation, but rather get down to how that person feels. We must first always recognize where we are before we set about getting to where we want to go.

Sept. 24

Last night was Shannan and I's 2nd anniversary. Two years!!!! I can hardly believe it, seems like just yesterday that we got hitched and had one wild and crazy night. Of course before the night got started Mama Cindy had to do a photo shoot at the new house to practice up on her photographer abilities. The first pic is one of our first official family portraits and the second is the super fancy sepia version (actually makes us look more tan). We headed out to Biaggi's for dinner, which was overall fairly disappointing and then made up for it with some Cold Stone Creamery, where we also met Brandon, Amber's new love interest (gentleman caller). Can't wait to hang out with them again on Friday night.

Only four more days till Shan and I run the QC half marathon and my nerves are starting to get on edge. I can't wait to get out on the course to enjoy the experience. This should prove to be the beginning of a long lasting love affair with long distance running... hopefully Very long distance running.