Brother in arms

2-9-07

Brother in arms

I guess I've always wanted a brother. What guy doesn't? Someone who always has your back, someone to get into trouble with, someone to keep you tough. For those of us born without, we search for one in terms of friends, brothers from different mothers. I once was fooled into believing I had one, but it turns out they won't stand up for you, they won't fight along side you, and they won't tell you straight up. That's when you know they're phony. I don't have a brother, I only have myself. It can lead to one logical conclusion, creation.

He's been with me for a long while now. He's even allowed to express himself occasionally, but mostly he's a shut-in. Sometimes I view him as a burden, a waste of energy. Other times I think of him as a weapon I should keep honed in case of an emergency. That's why I have this lust for rightful revenge - my fantasy. Use only for right, for justice - part of my ethics I guess. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle, some repress completely and others let it take over and become unjust. But mine lurks beneath the surface, waiting, sometimes patiently, sometimes not. There will be a day when he is ripped from my side, my brother in arms, and we will stand as one- be seen as one. To some it may come as a surprise, but to me... it's been a long time coming. My facade has been groomed by those that surround me - those scared of confrontation, those who do anything to avoid it. Yet at my core I can't help but feel that I am drawn to it. My whole life has been one of trying to break out of a shell; to let who I am be revealed. But these masks that I am asked to wear, to cover up what I really feel, to shush what I really want to say, to restrain my hands from destruction, can only be worn so long. I am a cell of combustible energy waiting to be punctured. Something has to give. I thought I had a brother, and it turns out that I do, we are merely one being. And he is pissed that I have not confided in him - and he is understood.

Failure

From 7-13-05
Failure... I used to feel as though it was my deepest fear. Everyone's always pushing to not fail, to not be bad... but where's the push to be great? Where's the push to be everything you can? It's not a question of being better than someone, it's a question of what you have left to give and how much more you have in you. I now look at failure in a different manner. Every failure is a chance to learn, with the chance of every failure comes a chance of success - and let us not forget that without failure, success would not be such a sweet victory. In climbing failure has an obvious manifestation. There is a wall... climb it... falling is failure, but without the presence of failure, ascending is no longer a feat - is no longer anything, merely a sure thing. Sure things do not test us, do not challenge us, do not make us challenge ourselves, and do not make us uncomfortable. Sure success is not a learning process... to me, it is failure.

addiction

I find myself highly addicted to documentaries... of all kinds. I've seen documentaries on skiing, surfing, climbing, running, on the auto industry, on the corruption in the voting system of the U.S., and on the military industrial complex. It's the combination of first person narratives, compelling music, and often unbelievable feats that draw me in time after time. Tonight I was again watching a skiing documentary called "Steep" and it (along with many others) puts me in a very specific mood. These movies call into question not just what you've done in your life, but more importantly what your possibilities are. When the doors of your mind are left wide open, the possibilities that await you on the other side are endless. Especially in extreme sport movies there is always an underlying tone of life vs. death and how close to death one will walk in order to feel the most lively. I will say save a select few times, the most alive I've felt was in times of extreme danger. In times when all your energy and focus is on not dying, that's when you're truly living, when you're combining all your skills, strengths, and primal urges to live just to stay afloat. We often, all too often, lose these sensations in our comfortable daily lives and I think it's important to get them back, even if occasionally to renew our wonder for life. We all too often catch ourselves telling people that life could be much worse, and it could, but it can also be much better, simply by changing perspective and truly appreciating what we have... a chance to truly live.

flux capacitor

In a current world full of concrete and stalemates, I would like to believe everything remains in a current state of flux. A fluid motion that surrounds us all and indeed is at the heart of our souls. But in this theoretic liquid world we seem to always want to define things, and the reason would sensibly stem from one tiny word... how. Not how as in "hello from native america" but how as in "how did everything get so fucked up?". They say curiosity killed the cat, but that cat merely ran out of time, just as the rest of us someday will... and with that in mind 'why the how?'. How do I know, how did you do that, how do I get out of here? We have a need in our daily lives to live by defined laws and rules, to get used to a structure, to keep ourselves corralled in a certain sector. But the definitions we live by are fluid, they are ever changing as we see fit. Even the simplest of definitions, those of words, are continually changing. So we tell ourselves that there must be universals, there must be absolutes, there must be more concrete poured as a footpath to understanding of this we call living. But no such concrete exists for even concrete is easily made fluid by the smallest drops of water. What seems most relevant is that we live for today, and tomorrow we will live for today again, over and over until the last grain has fallen from our time, because if you live for tomorrow or yesterday all you will be left with is a how... 'how did I fuck that up so bad?' and then you're dead.